FACEPOCALYPSE

I just caught a bit of the Ellen show, as I sometimes do while eating lunch, and after every time I’ve watched it I’ve wanted to praise her for bringing something that’s actually entertaining to the midday slot. She is so savvy and hilarious, especially when she’s griefing guests. Unfortunately, I can’t find the clip from today’s on Youtube, but she had a woman on pimping her ‘alternative household cosmetics’.

This woman started by saying you can make a good skin lotion from margarita ingredients, and proceeded to demonstrate, using her saleswoman skillz to target airy women like herself. I imagine she owns the entirety of Desperate Housewives on DVD and drives a 4WD. Or maybe an SUV. Aside from inserting the odd remark about products, every time this woman went on a why-this-works spiel Ellen would take a swig from the tequila bottle. I was most amused when this woman advised people to add their coffee grinds to firming lotion and smear it on their butt before going to the beach, which “really lifts up any sagging”. To which Ellen quipped exactly what I was thinking, “Isn’t that because it’s got the firming lotion in it?”

Ellen, please keep pwning salespeople. Also, marry me? I’ll make sure the house is filled with paintings if you make sure we have a house to fill with paintings. I have other skills to offer, too. For instance, I cook a mean ~chicken surprise~. The surprise is that it actually tastes good.